This City Sunrise are gods amoung men. On your knees.
Psychotic 4 Sick Puppies Tyler James Mickey Avalon The Ettes Lovedrug Cary Brothers Chris Holmes Petracovich Heavy Jones Trio Sarah Brown Mary Magdalan This Love Machine Eighteen Visions The Vincent Black Shadow Whole Wheat Bread Farewell Flight The Fratellis Tally Hall Silversun Pickups Chris Garneau Walter Schreifels CKY<option ... >Heaven Interpol Ratatat Sleep At Last Emanuel The Honey Trees Autolux Monochromatic Mutemath Jeff Buckley Beethoven Neuronic Jessica Maros Clinic.
i can't think straght fuck man like so much has happened today yet ive done shit all.
i guess i have a new guy. like BOYFRIEND type guy. his name starts with OMG haha no not really but just to me because im obsessed with his band. and now you all know who he is hahaha >_<
but fuck ohk the problem with this is and the reason why im scared shitless rite now is because there's this darling girl called..., well we'll call her awesome and she has a MASSIVE history with... the new guy and totally doesnt know we're a thing yet since its happened just like rite now and all we've talked about lately is how much she wants him back and how much she hates seeing him with other girls
and ohhh dear diary, i dont know what to do;
[://beckslegend; ] creatures move, very slow, coming close, coming close. says: (11:31:52 PM) fuck  [://beckslegend; ] creatures move, very slow, coming close, coming close. says: (11:31:55 PM) im so scared sophie  [://beckslegend; ] creatures move, very slow, coming close, coming close. says: (11:32:01 PM) i really dont want to hurt dufytg9tN&*^T*  sophie. says: (11:32:29 PM)   sophie. says: (11:32:29 PM) there aint nothing u can do  sophie. says: (11:32:30 PM) jks  sophie. says: (11:32:30 PM) hm  [://beckslegend; ] creatures move, very slow, coming close, coming close. says: (11:32:38 PM) hahahaha  [://beckslegend; ] creatures move, very slow, coming close, coming close. says: (11:32:42 PM) its real hard  sophie. says: (11:32:43 PM) do what works for uoi  sophie. says: (11:32:45 PM) *you  [://beckslegend; ] creatures move, very slow, coming close, coming close. says: (11:32:49 PM) i think i should just talk to her or something  [://beckslegend; ] creatures move, very slow, coming close, coming close. says: (11:32:54 PM) but god, she'd go nato.
so this is where i end this entry completely confused and scared and feeling horrible because this should be like the highlight of my LIFE yet i've never felt so worried before...
sophaggot; we've been fighting for weeks now. and you're still all i thought about. then last nite you called at crazy o'clock just as i was going to call you. to apologise.
we are unbeatable. unbreakable. i never want to fight with you again because we just end up wasting time we could be spending making memories like we always do.
i love you sophie jane trimble. best fucking friends for life and forever.
sucks for you i guess but i love my life and i love my friends my new ones and my fantastic new ones the musicians i adore and fawn over im so proud to know them all of them. thank fuck some distant star blessed me with the peop;le that i know.
this is my realisation i dont know i apologised to my 'arch enemy' tonite haha matt templeton, i love you for standing your ground and not letting me annoy you too much then there's ash/winter, i love you for coming and telling me that you dont hate me because you just dont hate anyone at all, you're not a hateful person. i respect the both of you so much.
even though i doubt like ANYONE will read this it all needs to be said. i complain and complain and complain and then i whinge and fucking moan till im blue in the face i cry and i think thoughts gthat life isnt worth living anymore i waste my parents money on pills that dont work \and on therapy that makes me even worse than i already am mentally
but then a day/night like this comes along and i realise that everything is beautiful again.
tonight is also the first time i can actually say i tripped the fuck out and saw alex winter play guitar in slow motion for about 30 seconds. i do not jest. it was a donnie darko as fuck moment and its the reason im sxe haha coz i get shit like this and it freaks me out and i fucking LOVE it.
this is fish number six hundred and forty-one in a lifetime of goldfish. my parents bought me the first one to teach me about loving and caring for another living breathing creature of god. six hundred and forty fish later, the only thing I know is everything you love will die. the first time you meet that someone special, you can count on them one day being dead and in the ground.
once on a yellow piece of paper, he wrote a poem and he called it "chops" because that was the name of his dog. and that's what it was about and his teacher gave him an A and a gold star and his mother hung it on he door and read it to his aunts that was the year father tracy took all the kids to the zoo and let them sing on the bus that was the year his little sister was born with tiny toenails and no hair and his mother and father kissed a lot and the girl around the corner sent him a valentine signed with a row of x's and he had to ask his father what the x's meant and his father always tucked him in at night and was always there to do it
once on a piece of white paper with blue lines he wrote a poem called "autumn" because that was the name of the season and that's what it was all about and his teacher gave him an A and asked him to write more clearly and his mother never hung it on the kitchen door because of its new paint and the kids told him that father tracy smoked cigars and left butts on the pews and sometimes they would burn holes that was the year his sister got glasses with thick lenses and black frames and the girl around the corner laughed when he asked her to go see santa claus and the kids told him why his mother and father kissed a lot and his father never tucked him in at night and got mad when he cried for him to do it
once on a piece of paper torn from his notebook he wrote a poem called "innocence; a question" because that was the question about his girl and that's what is was all about and his professor gave him an A and a strange steady look and his mother never hung it on the kitchen door becaue he never showed her that was the year that father tracy died and he forgot how the end of apostle's creed went and he caught his sister making out on the back porch and his mother and father never kissed or even talked and the girl around the corner wore too much makeup that made him cough when he kissed her but he kissed her anyway because that was the thing to do and at three a.m he tucked himself into bed his father snoring soundly that's why on the back of a brown paper bag he tried another poem and he called it "absolutely nothing" becaue that's what it was really about and he gave himself an A and a slash on each damned wrist and he hung it on that bathroom door because he didn't think he could reach the kitchen.
life is good. today startd out so very bad, staying at hanner's complete verbal bashing from mrs. hanner, disregarding any actual facts that i have been TELLING that woman im supposed to believe that she 'cares'. staring out kitchen window with hanner seeing our parents pointing angrily through the window at me. it rains. and rains. and rains. and stops for nothing. not i for sure. shopping with molly [and rosie] for halloween costume, unsuccessful, saw crush, felt ugly. 4.30, get out of shower, shit - late for zeal dinner!! straighten hair whilst still wet, burn hair because of said wetness. scream in frustration at the day while entering mount vic tunnel in car with mother. mother doesnt understand. i then tell her that im bi, and she tells me im just trying to complicate my life even more. blah blah failure blah blah letting everyone down, blah blah fucking should be prostituting my talents to this blood sucking world. then zeal, associates, familiar faces, hope, happiness. yes i like the vibe here. im so sick of jaffas, but im hungry. munch munch :). speech from mike, he is such a good guy, his mother must be so proud, i bet he never disappointed everybody around him this much. eating pizza, far too full. some screeching acoustic singer lady in the corner of the stage with a guitar wails about...chocolate? love? god knows. scotty's speech. jaw-droppingly amazing. bit of a sob from the audience here and there, so inspiring. i love these people so much, they are good, they are safe. i wish to stay for the rest of my life there with everyone that IIIII love, not those that 'care for me, and want me to do well with my gifts in life'. them fuckers need to piss off. had about enough of them. lifejournal is nice. i like it bvetter than myspace even. more space to create.
i love the people i love, and the people that hate me, but i do NOT love the people that interfere in my decisions in life, that lecture me, that make me want to throttle them until they suffocate. no, not them.
where's my goddamn cat, i need a fucking cuddle.<3
tonite, was/has been undoubtedly THEE best nite/gig of my life. i cant explain it the vibe was amazing everyone i knew and loved was there, and also alot of old scars were healed, alot of misinterpretations of others have been completely blown out of the water upon the realisation that everyone is your friend if you're THEIRS aswell. i guess ive been pushing alot of people away or something. then of course there was the 'yum' [haha hayley XP ], three chuppa chups, and one of the best songs by TCS dedicated to me. uncountable compliments on my custom-made necklace and jacket. i cant explain how much admiration ive ever had for a drummer and two grown men in cutt off jeans and tucked in shorts. im such a hippy, and i like it. not a 'ilikedruuuuugsman' hippy, but a life is beautiful in every sense, hippy. tonite, i was standing on the outskirts of the throwdown pit when inastate were playing and this girl, tarsh, who's lovely, like ive NEVER talked to her, but have always admired her for confidence and strength in herself. well, she noted that everytime someone would come flying towards me in the pit i would sort of flinch or cringe and so she just said 'dont worry' and like kept pushing everyone that came near us away. it was beautiful. i told you im a hippy, but this is the place to express it i guess, and i was BEAUTIFUL. a complete stranger noting someone elses weakness and knowing they can help them in someway and just doing it, without a second thought. a rose amoung thorns that everyone, including myself, could/should learn from.
anyway i am so at peace rite now i cannot explain it life is good even when its bad there is 'beauty in the breakdown' everything is poetry everything is art and i've a gallery of stories to tell.
becks x.
ps, important people get pictures;
Lette, pretty much saviour, keeping me on the straight and narrow, and a total inspiration <3
Alex, guitarist for This City Sunrise [alltime favourite band], ultra spunk, and all around good guy <3
Sam, bassist for This City Sunrise, super babe, and buyer of chuppa chubs etc, idolllll <3
Sam in action at tonite's gig, completely amazing like lions, like tigers, oh me, oh my awe inspiring performance EVERY time
clearly im speechless euphoric and ahh some combination of the two. tonite/today has been so fantastic
i woke up again to chronic stabbing pains in my left side again. this obviously cant be good, but oh well, im too lazy to find out what's wrong - not that i need any more problems in my life rite now -_- . anyway, i 'discovered' a band last nite that im pretty much addicted to, Ratatat, AMAZING. UMM and im going 'scenefag' shopping with sophaggot today haha, she told me at like 2am this morning that YES she can come and hang today. AHHH umm ahh umm, i dunno, ive decided to continue on with school next year, and as you all know - im sitting my end of year exams this year for 5th form/year 11, but am not attending school. it's a pretty sweet dig really tbh haha.
[i reckon we should just consider this entry my first real entry]
UMM OHK where to start
today has been perfect, nothing really has gone wrong. ill give you a run through of the day. ohk so i woke up at like awesome o'clock [quarter to 1pm] and rolled over in my perfectly warm bed that had that 'been slept in for two days' sort of comfy feel to it haha. walked out into the kitchen and father told me i had to go get a maths book for my studies from school. of course this would NOT happen until i'd seen dr. Phil, he is my medicine and my addiction, a day without the philmeister is not a good day at all. anyway, i checked my myspace, oogled at pretty people, procrastinated, binge ate, and then decided it was time to get off. by this time it was about 2.30pm, and i take like over an hour to get ready if im having a shower, and this is if i cbf'ed with my hair and stuff haha, so i trudge off down to the busstop at like 3.30 hoping that student services would miraculously be still open like half an hour or so after school. alas, it wasnt. fucking shite haha, like i didnt see that coming :P. so i txt father and he said to get a coffee on the way home and try again tmrw. i return home and he hands me $10, 'for the effort' he says. i accept, no questions asked haha. then hop on myspace after an enthralling family tv dinner watching coronation st and eating corned beef [VOMIT].
about 30minutes ago sophaggot calls to cancell on me tmrw because, one again, she "cbf'ed" - a phrase too often used today in ms. cocaine's vocab. but nevermind, my hanner should still be coming if her family doesnt insist she stay home for this family dinner shite >_< if i have neither of them to go with, then fuck it, ill go alone haha, im not missng this gig for the WORLD. two songs are apparently going to be dedicated to me, and one song is about 'my type' be that good or bad, its still about me hahaha.
anyway. today has been a'okay to say the least.
im gonna dye my hair next week, browny/black/ash fringe, and white/grey blonde for the rest, whadaya think? hungry for some feedback on this one :)
there has been a change in the wind today. that will defy all weather forcasts, any cold fronts will be disregarded for they are now useless scraps of information. today is the day of all days. i can feel a change within me and i've never been more at one with who i am yet so disturbed at what it may make of me.
my heart is in too many places today my parents think im moving out in two weeks im dropping out of school at the end of this year i think and getting a full time job i am so afraid because i havent a fucking idea as how to go about it. and about my heart being in too many places; old loves, new loves - and too many of them people i want to help and people that want to help me yet im pushing them away. being spoilt for choice isnt always a good thing.
im breaking down slowly. you wait. you wait and see there'll be a parade on my downfall and the world will rejoice in my failure after all my empty promises i would lead this world to something good.
crappy
